the, er, zodiac - 30 aug 2000

latest thoughts from jack tanner. not for the thin-skinned, probably.

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aries: you are an incredible egomaniac and continually start things you never finish. you probably drive a red corvette and almost certainly use cocaine. in high school you either were a cheerleader or slept with one, and you constantly accumulated speeding tickets. you may work as a golf pro or selling photocopiers.

taurus: the true bull, you are practical and persistent and will work endlessly in pursuit of something long after you should have changed your mind. you are frugal and cheap and it is always too cold in your living room. you are a boring cook and if you own any movies you watch the same ones over and over. you may accumulate wealth over a great period of time by systematically underpaying the babysitter.

gemini: you have at least three personalities and cannot shut the fuck up. you do not hold a train of thought for longer than fifteen seconds and you are usually on the phone. you drive a foreign sports car and use words with too many syllables, and you drink with your little finger in the air. your friends think you are a fashion writer but you actually work at a video store.

cancer: your lunar nature is strong, as you are more emotional than anyone guesses to the extent that you secretly may be bugshit crazy. you fawn over things that remind you of a childhood or past that you've invented, and you may send christmas cards to hundreds of people you don't know anymore. you have a pathological aversion to letting go of things, and may fill your attic, basement, and garage with antiques. you probably have a big nose.

leo: your entire life is a massive exercise in self-centeredness. you are especially fond of crests and banners and other regalia, and you piss money up the wall on health and beauty products. you have too much furniture, and if you have long hair you brush and flip it incessantly. you have a strong and loyal heart, and will screw anyone who is famous or drives a rimmed-up benz.

virgo: you may manifest many traits of the zodiacal "virgin", to include neatness, tidiness, cleanliness, attentiveness to detail, hyperorganization, and chronic meticulousness. you engage in incessant fussbudgetry and are anxious about everything, and generally cannot make a decision. you are too worried about rumpling the bedspread to be a good fuck. you may have a fascination with your anus.

libra: the venusian qualities of charm, artistry, and luxury express themselves in your love of a useless and indolent lifestyle. you see both sides of an issue and continually change your mind. you throw excellent parties and may spend much of your middle age drinking green chartreuse. you may receive an inheritance and if so will piss it away on a crap art collection.

scorpio: you are fascinated with the hidden, dark, and racy aspects of life, including but not limited to mysticism, the occult, tarot cards, tantric yoga, black heels, leather lingerie, handcuffs, whips, animal sex, cheap porn theaters with creaky seats, and grainy home movies of the teenage children next door. you have a monstrous power complex and if you live in hollywood you will become a film mogul. or a pimp.

sagittarius: you quite possibly are an aspiring 'writer' and almost certainly are a full-blown drunk. you sing and yell on tables at other people's weddings and at least once in your life will pass out in a coat room in an expensive restaurant. you probably tend bar or groom trails at a ski resort.

capricorn: you are cold and businesslike and serious to the point of fossilizing. you are intensely private and have closets full of skeletons, including secret bisexual affairs and nazi memorabilia fetishes, all of which will be revealed after your death in a bestselling tell-all by your chauffeur or personal assistant. you do not understand people or things that cannot be mapped out with a 'corporate org' chart.

aquarius: the true weirdo of the zodiac, you find it impossible to stay in one place for any length of time, and cannot pay attention to anything. you are a change agent of the highest order and constantly rearrange furniture in hotel rooms. you may be a network engineer or a skateboarder. your hair may be blue. you own a great number of vibrators and will try anything at least once.

pisces: you are dreamy and intuitive and immersed in the nonphysical, and there are cassettes and empty mcdonald's bags all over the floor of your car. you never do the dishes and you always seem to be 'just starting to get yourself together'. your phone is usually disconnected. you may be overweight and right now you are probably taking a nap.

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well....told you.

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