bonner on BABOO....allegedly

As with any history where the passions and follies of men have played significant roles in its formation, the story of the BABOO and her near-decimation on a rural stretch of interstate in August of 1993 has been a subject of much controversy and disagreement. Conflicting tales abound as to the actual events that took place that night, especially where the identities and particular roles of the participants are concerned. It benefits many to keep the facts shrouded in mystery; and in this regard, I have come among you to shed light. So draw your blankets about yourselves and gather close around the fire, for I will reveal, finally and truthfully, the story of that night.

Justin Cook spent most of the summer of 1993 reeling through an exotic, shitfaced delirium of justin's birthday, 1993band gigs and beautiful, adoring women. I know, because I was there. We lived in a fabulous mountain retreat just east of the Continental Divide and our band was the talk of the town, at least part of the time. Although loathe to leave such a paradise, certain inescapable duties were drawing Justin back to the East, and it seemed as though the closer his departure drew, the further his center of influence spread, until he had drawn to himself a collection of truly notable people, among them drummer Manu Katché, certain members of Former President George Bush's immediate family, and a pair of "household name" actors that have asked to be identified only as "The Grommets." His growing repertoire of astounding feats included piloting the BABOO to a pyrrhic victory over a T100 pickup in a head-to-head challenge as well as a string of substance ingestions that has not yet been matched. This culminated in his consumption of an entire quarter keg the night of his birthday on August 17th in the company of cover models from six different issues of Cosmopolitan, as well as two correspondents from Rolling Stone and the Editor-in-Chief of People Magazine.

Still heady from such a rapid and breathtaking foray into what less fortunate folks disdainfully refer to as "the fast lane", Justin caught wind of an exclusive all-weekend bash being held in a posh section of Chicago. This occurred early in the evening of Thursday August 19th. Conveniently, this location coincided exactly with the planned trajectory of the BABOO on its way from Boulder to Darien*. Unfortunately, to make the party, Justin would have to leave right then. Immediately, at that moment. For reasons upon which we can only speculate, he requested that all present members of the band (which included myself, our singer, and our guitarist) join him for the twenty-hour drive. For more reasons of a similar nature, we agreed.

I was riding shotgun with Justin in the BABOO, which can accommodate a GVW of 9,000 lbs**, but which, according to a scale at a weigh station, was loaded to 14,350 lbs. with drum stands and custom cymbals and other equipment. We had crossed the Nebraska state line near midnight and then had passed into Iowa just before daybreak. Justin is an excellent driver and had eaten an enormous quantity of a stimulant now banned in undiluted form by the US FDA which we referred to as “white horse”. Under these circumstances, I felt comfortable going to sleep. In fact, so did he. I awoke to a steady whacking sound, which I identified as the reflector posts on the far side of the breakdown line being mowed down by the BABOO. We were going off the road.

Justin kept on sleeping. He must have been dreaming about driving, because he began to twist the wheel slowly back and forth like a caricature of someone trying to steer. In slow and iowa, 19 august 1993horrifying motion the enormous back end of the BABOO came swinging around until the whole overloaded thing was skidding broadside on two wheels at eighty miles an hour like some whale trying desperately to roll onto its back. Then the other end came around and we skidded on the other tires. Tires squealing, cymbals crashing. Distantly I heard Justin snoring. Then back again the first way. This went on for just over five minutes; then we straightened out and continued onward as before, as though that were just how people drove sometimes. Justin woke up as we were pulling into a gas station about ten minutes later. He asked where the stink of burning rubber was coming from, but as I looked over at my old friend and his innocent wide eyes and then gazed out the window at the beautiful orange sunrise, I realized that I shouldn’t bother to tell him. He was on a winning streak. We had a party to go to. Everything was right with the world.

We were, after all, in the BABOO.


*Neither of these places actually exist. The City of Boulder has been extensively studied and documented as a mass delusion collectively created and supported by two hundred thousand people that live in a distant suburb of Denver named Longmont. These people universally desire to believe that they live in a land where everyone is gorgeous and no one works and there is an abundance of drugs and live music. It has further been documented that when actual life circumstances eventually render this belief untenable, the majority of people choose to migrate from the area rather than violate the integrity of the illusion. Likewise, Darien is the product of a similar phenomenon on a much smaller scale. The myth of this locale primarily involves keg beer and underage women and seems to center around a figure known as "Zip"; this myth is the subject of a fascinating documentary by noted attorney Tom Santos in his upcoming publication entitled Hold the Mayo.

**BABOO Vital Statistics

-# of engines replaced: 1
-# of transmissions replaced: 2 (second one on second rebuild)
-mileage: 187,000 (actually closer to 200,000)
-# of speeding tickets accrued: 5
-# of parking tickets accrued: >20
-maximum number of people in moving BABOO at one time during New Year's: 17
-# of times cross-country: 2
-record low sustained highway MPG: 10.6 (2,500 mile average)
-top speed (actual / theoretical, in mph): 98 / 110 (tailwind, 10% declination)
-0-60 mph: 13-16 sec.
-0-100 mph: don't hold your breath
-# of companies for which BABOO has been a corporate car: 1
-record-low cold start: -30 deg F
-date that J. Cook took legal ownership: 11/08/96
-# of functional power windows: 1 (driver's side rear) + tailgate window
-# of times driver has fallen asleep at wheel of BABOO: 1
-heaviest car BABOO has pushed for >1/2 mile: 3800 lbs.
-# of light bulbs replaced in BABOO: >10
-# of times starter solenoid has been fixed with a hammer and contact cleaner spray: 1 and counting

she move so fine

BABOO vital stats and sexy BABOO gif © justin cook


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